stretch marks

I have often looked at the stretch marks across my stomach in disgust and embarrassment.  You know the marks I am talking about - the deep ones that turn white and make lines up the stomach, the ones that come from pregnancy.  I used to joke that they were my "tree of life" since they appeared during my pregnancy with the twins.
Still, four years later, my stomach isn't firm like the models in swimsuit and underwear displays.  In fact, it is covered in stretch marks, flabby, and wrinkled.  It is far from the definition of ideal or beautiful by any means.  It has been easy to hid it away and be ashamed of those lines and marks.  BUT my stomach did something amazing...it expanded to carry two of our beautiful babies at once!
Getting pregnant wasn't easy for us.  We endured months and years of blood draws, tests, doctor's visits, ultrasounds, and negative pregnancy tests.  According to the National Infertility Association, 1 in 8  couples face fertility problems, which means 7.4 million women have received infertility services in their lifetime!  (Infertility isn't just a problem for women but the studies show the female statistics in couples.)  Of the couples who seek medical help for fertility, about 65% give birth to a child.  We were given a beautiful gift that over 2 million people don't receive - we got pregnant!
Being pregnant was amazing and I loved every minute of it.  I felt so privileged that my body carried two beautiful lives!  It nourished, protected, and cared for our twins...something I spent many nights praying for and feared would never happen.  During the pregnancy I was so amazed at what my body was doing for our children that I didn't think about the very quickly growing stretch marks!
There are so many women who would give up everything for those lines across their belly if it means they have a baby in their arms!  Why then should I feel ashamed of them, why do I worry about showing my less than perfect stomach, and why aren't the bodies that carried the greatest gift, life, embraced?
As I tried on swim suits last week, after spending a weekend with three beautiful women who were on their own fertility journeys, I looked at my stomach and smiled.  I didn't smile because my stomach is perfect or "swim suit ready" but because I was reminded that my "tree of life" is beautiful and shows the amazing things my body did!  No, my body isn't perfect by society's definition...I still have stretch marks, wrinkles, and loose skin but I had the honor of carrying two of my children in that belly.  That gift is one that so many long and pray for and one that I will never take for granted.  It is a gift I fought for years to be able to do and would be blessed and honored to do again.
I wouldn't trade my stretch marks for the world.  I will continue to smile when I look at my loose, wrinkled, lined stomach and work to embrace the societal "imperfection".  There are so many women who wish they could do the same.  
.katherine.

fourth of july shirts

I hope everyone has been having a great summer!  Ours has been very busy and full of excitement, as you have probably gathered from our last post.  This month we have been enjoying the warm weather, pool time, and relaxing a bit.  We have really enjoyed not having a full schedule but that will soon pick back up in August!

This year for Independence Day, Bryce and Zoey made their own shirts (and I made one for Oliver)!  They loved every second of being able to make something they would wear.  We started with this tutorial from pinterest: http://cutesycrafts.com/2014/06/diy-eraser-stamped-4th-july-shirt.html  and white shirts/bodysuit, freezer paper, fabric paint, and our hands!

Like in the tutorial, I cut the freezer paper into stars and ironed it onto the shirts shiny side down (I got a simple star image from google images).  The freezer paper is very easy to peal off later but stays on very well to make the negative space of the star.  I also placed cardboard in the shirt so the paint didn't bleed through but it also made it easier for the kids to "dot" on.

The tutorial recommended using pencil erasers, however we didn't have any and we like a little mess with our projects.  To get the dots, the kids used their pinky fingers!  They enjoyed dotting around the front of the shirts and around the star.  It was just messy enough for them to have a lot of fun!

We let the shirts dry for the time recommended on the paint (ours said three hours) then pealed the freezer paper off.  

After taking the paper off, we left them to dry overnight to ensure all the paint was completely dry before wearing them.

The last step was to wear them and look adorable.

These were such an easy and fun project to do with the kids, they took less than thirty minutes and were quick to clean up.  These could easily be done with any shape and colors for a fun project.  Bryce and Zoey loved wearing the shirts and showing them off at the party we went to!

Enjoy making shirts with your little ones!!!
.katherine.

forever family

Oliver's adoption was finalized!!!

We had Oliver with us now for eighty-four wonderful days from placement to finalization.  To prepare for finalization, we finished our adoption education and had two home studies.  Home studies have to be done every four weeks to check on how we were adjusting to the adoption and make sure there are no problems.  In the state of Texas after the second home study our social worker can recommend we finalize which has to happen before the next four week mark.  We went to court on friday, June 26th to finalize!  

I was very anxious about going to court, however it ended up being was a beautiful celebration of our adoption.  Finalization took place in Lubbock, where Oliver was born.  We met with our social worker, the head of the agency, and the judge to answered questions about Oliver and how he fits into our family.  Bryce and Zoey were even involved in the process which was wonderful for them.  The entire process took about fifteen minutes and ended with the judge finalizing the adoption!

It was a great way to celebrate the last eighty-four days but I couldn't help think of Oliver's birth mother.  It makes me sad that she doesn't know this beautiful little boy.  I admire the strength it took to chose a life for Oliver that she was unable to provide and we will forever be grateful to her.  I will always pray for and think of her, she gave us a great blessing.

We are so happy to be a forever family!  I didn't realize how much stress I had held on to until Oliver's adoption was finalized.  One year and two days before going to court our home study was approved and we were a family waiting for a child.  It is amazing the difference a year can make!  Finalizing is an exciting moment in the adoption journey...one that families anxiously wait for.  It means this adoption journey is over, it is exciting!!!  Welcome to this family, officially, Oliver!  We love you!!!

.katherine.

oliver james

The last time I wrote I was heart broken but hopeful - we had just "lost" our baby but we were waiting for another birthmom to choose our family.  I was starting to plan again...thinking about what may need to be packed, repacked, taken out, or put away.  I just kept thinking "April is our month" but I was so hesitant to get excited again.

Easter morning I wished I had a reason to put out five easter baskets instead of our normal four.  It made me sad but a peace came over me...next year there would be five, I just knew!  After mass Matt asked me if I was happy...that was a loaded question.  Of course I was happy but my heart wished for our baby...a baby we didn't know yet but I somehow already loved.  I told Matt that I was having a hard time staying positive, what if we never got the call?  Little did I know that call would come just a few short hours later.

Easter afternoon I prepared dinner and was getting ready for friends to join us when my phone rang.  I was pealing eggs...not a good time to answer the phone but I peeked to check the caller ID.  As soon as I saw our social workers name my heart jumped.  No, I can't tell you if I cleaned off my hands but I know I will always remember those words she said to me ..."Katherine, we have a baby!!!"  We were both so excited - I screamed, she was crying, I was crying, she was pacing, I couldn't move.

Our social worker gave me all the details she could think of while trying to find where she had written them down....then asked "are you interested?"  Of course our answer was yes!  The baby was a boy, born the previous morning (April 4), weighed 4lb, 10oz, and was healthy with almost no health concerns!  We hung up after she told me "we need you to get in your car as soon as you can and start driving."

Meanwhile, as I was on the phone our friends showed up for dinner!!!  They were wonderful about everything.  They were such a huge help - they watched Bryce and Zoey so we could pack and make the necessary phone calls!!!  We did all eat dinner together...it was already in the oven so why wouldn't we?  I was too excited to think much about dinner...the check lists were forming in my head - as soon as I finished I was back to getting ready for the trip.  Our friends even cleaned everything up for us after dinner...we owe them big time and I swear I will be a better hostess next time!

With the car completely full, we pulled away from the house around nine to make the drive through the night to Lubbock.  Matt and I took turns driving and sleeping (mostly Matt drove to be honest) but when we couldn't sleep we talked about names...no other topics, just names.  We went through more names than I could imagine but none felt "right".  In the interim while we were picking a name, Matt called him Chalupa Batman...and it has stuck!

Once we got to Lubbock we had about three hours to kill before meeting with the social workers.  We went to breakfast and walked through walmart but the whole time I was giddy, nervous, tired, and thrilled - we were about to become a family of five!  We even headed over to the hospital early so we could install the carseat and hopefully get up to meet our son earlier than scheduled.

As we waited in the lobby for our social workers Matt and I said, almost at the same time, "it is Oliver."  We didn't need to meet him first to know that our baby's name would be Oliver James.

About 8:30 we were able to go up to the nursery to meet our baby.  I clearly walked into that room but I felt like I was floating and can't remember taking the steps.  It was so surreal...was I really looking at our baby?!?  He was beautiful, tiny, and perfect.  I felt so shocked...like it wasn't real.

Zoey and Bryce adored him immediately!  Zoey ran right over to him and asked "is that MY baby?!?" She wanted to touch him and hold him right away...she even got a chance to before Matt!  Bryce was a little more shy to get to know Oliver...he was interested but from a distance.  Bryce asked to hold him a few hours after meeting him and quietly leaned down to his ear and whispered "I really like you."

The next few hours were filled with waiting and legal paperwork.  The birthmom signed over her rights and shortly after he was placed with us!  The hospital had a room for us to stay in while they kept him for one more night and allowed all of us to stay.  Just a few hours after meeting him for the first time it we were alone as a family of five...yes, their were nurses down the hall but he was in our custody and care!!!  Was this really happening?  It felt so natural for him to be part of our family but so strange at the same time.  I felt like I was in a dream!

Oliver was discharged from the hospital on the 7th and we, plus my cousin who flew in early that morning, drove to Longview...about an hour from our home in Louisiana.  Oliver has to stay in the state of Texas until our ICPC (interstate compact on the placement of children) is approved by both Texas and Louisiana.  Since we are so close to home, Oliver and I have been staying in Texas while Matt, Bryce, and Zoey have been able to travel back home for school, work, and sports.  We do anticipate being able to head home next week some time.

It has been a whirlwind two weeks but wonderful.  Oliver is such a great baby - he eats well, sleeps about 3 hours at a time, just LOVES cuddling!  He is starting to be more alert in small spirts and is one of the few babies I know who likes tummy time.  He has had two weight checks and a doctor's visit and everything went well...he is even up to 5lb, 2.5oz!

Both my cousin and mom were both able to come out to help with Bryce and Zoey and get to meet our sweet boy.  It was such a blessing to have them here for all of us.  We will have several other visitors over the next few weeks and are looking forward to that!

We are slowly starting to learn what life is like as a family of five and we can't wait to get back home and start a new normal!  

We aren't able to share identifying photos of Oliver through social media until after the adoption is finalized but I assure you we will have plenty to share at that point!  This first family of five photo has been approved by our agency so for now this is the one we will share!

We are so blessed that this little guy has been placed with our family and appreciate all the continued love and support!
.katherine.

my baby boy

Our family has been planning to adoption for almost a year and was matched with a birth mom on October 2.  Getting that phone call that our family was chosen was so exciting...we would be welcoming a new little one into our house.  It was very similar to getting the positive pregnancy test...pure joy and excitement.  I cried, we laughed, we danced, we called our families, and then we started planning.

For months we prepared for this little one...we explained adoption to the kids, made a count down chain, went through clothes, purchased necessities, and gave him a name.  We named him Brady James....even though I was scared of committing to his name, he was always Brady James.  Brady is a name Matt has loved for years and James is for my mother's dad, my Papa.  It fit with our family and the kids loved it...they told everyone about him, yes everyone, and never just called him "Brady", it was always "Brady James."

As our birth mom hit thirty-seven weeks I was able to breathe a small sigh of comfort.  She had made it long enough in the pregnancy for him to be healthy and Janet was with us to help with the twins!  We were ready!  We had the carseat installed and the bags packed... several of them.  They were full of clothes for the baby, big sibling gifts, projects to work on in the hotel, supplies for the baby - diapers, pacifiers, bottles....you name it we had it covered!  The only thing we would have to do when we got the phone call was pack our own clothes and put everything in the car.

We waited.  We knew everything was still ok, we got updates about the doctor's appointments but there were no signs of no progress toward labor so we were expecting a c-section or an induction.  The birth mom had let the social worker know that she was ready to have him and was happy we were excited.  The weekend before the due date felt like it lasted MUCH longer than two days...the birth mom had an appointment on Monday morning and we were supposed to find out the plan for delivery.

The morning of February 23 we heard from the social worker that the birth mom was just waiting for a call for the doctor to see if she needed to go in that day.  The weather wasn't great so it wasn't unusual.  We took advantage of having everyone home for a snow day by playing outside in the snow, playing games with the kids, and making sure all the laundry was done.  About 4 that afternoon I finally got a call from the social worker but it wasn't what I expected: "Katherine, I found her.  She is at the hospital having the baby, she was induced this morning.  I can't get ahold of her but I will keep trying and let you guys know what is going on."

I felt like I had been punched.  What did this mean?  What did we do?  This isn't how this was supposed to go!  Matt and I decided, against the social workers recommendation, to go ahead and start the drive...it is an eight hour trip and the weather wasn't great so we figured we would get a few hours of good driving in before we had to stop.  But I couldn't move...I sunk to the floor and called my mom.  I don't remember most of what I said, I remember crying and telling her how scared I was.  I wanted to be hopeful but I was filled with so much doubt.  The whole situation was different than any of us had planned.  I managed to shower and get packed but I couldn't tell you what I put in those bags.  We told the kids that we were going to get their baby brother, said a prayer as a family, and loaded into the car.

The entire drive I felt like I could hardly breathe.  The minutes seemed to crawl by and I felt like we couldn't get down the road fast enough.  Every time by phone made a noise we both jumped...hoping or dreading it was the social worker.  The roads were terrible which didn't help with our stressful mood.  We were both so anxious.  I was so thankful for the radio...I needed some sort of noise to drown out my thoughts but I couldn't keep a coherent conversation.  Those few hours were gut wrenching.

Then the call came...the one I have dreaded the most since we started this process.  "Katherine, she changed her mind.  She said she can't give away her baby."  I know the conversation was longer but I couldn't focus and I was fighting back tears.  My mind was a whirlwind of questions but few that I could vocalize.  Our social worker didn't have many answers...she didn't even know if he had been born yet.  She was so supportive and apologetic but she didn't understand either.  I hung up as I burst into tears...big, ugly, fat, sobbing tears.  The kind that happen when a piece of you has been ripped away.  I didn't have words, I didn't have thoughts, I didn't have control - just ugly tears.  It hurt so much.

I didn't have to tell Matt what I wanted or needed and I am thankful for that.  He knew that the best place for us to go was home.  He turned the car around as soon as he could and kept driving on those awful roads.  He made the phone calls that I couldn't bring myself to make and he was able to keep composure when I was crumbling.  The drive back home was awful...I just kept thinking about that empty carseat behind me and how I was going to tell Bryce and Zoey in a way that they could understand.

Our house had reminders of our sweet boy everywhere but the hardest to look at was the crib in our room.  It was sitting there with the stuffed animals and books we purchased for him scattered in it, a reminder that he wouldn't sleep in it or be a part of our family.  The moment I saw it I crumbled again, it took all I had to close my eyes and try not to look at it as I laid in bed that night.  When Zoey ran to the crib looking for her baby brother at 5:30 the next morning I couldn't keep it together...she had just asked me where he was and why he wasn't in his bed.  Through the tears I told her how Brady's tummy mom chose to keep him instead of give him to us.  My sweet, innocent little girl just looked at my tears, wiped one away, and said "ooh, it makes me so sad too mommy".  We laid in bed together for a while - hugging with her rubbing my arm and me crying but neither one of us said a word.

The next few days were a blur.  I don't know when I got up, if I showered, if I ate, or what I said.  I didn't have the ability to talk to many people and when I did I don't really know what I said (except I do remember dropping the f-bomb with my mom...a word I never say).  I just was trying to process it all - what did this all mean, what happened, where do we go from here, do I want to try again, could I open my heart to another child, how do I explain this to my kids/family/friends, etc.  It was a lot to take in.  I was so blessed to have Janet with us so I could go through all of my emotions and processes without having to worry about taking care of my family.

Over the next several days the social workers called to check on us.  We chose to move forward with our adoption goals and are now on the list for a "drop in".  This means we will be notified if a mother chooses to place her child for adoption last minute.  Right now it is the best choice for us...I don't know that I could do another four-five month placement without being terrified that she would change her mind at birth.  It also wouldn't be fair to a child for me to be so guarded because of what we went through this time.  In the future it may be an option again but for now we will see where this leads our family.

Waiting for a new addition doesn't mean that we have forgotten about this little boy.  I will always know that my baby boy was born on February 23rd, 2015 and it will always break my heart to know that he couldn't come home with us.  I loved this little one so much, I envisioned my family with him as a part of it, and I knew how he would fit in.  He forever holds a part of my heart and I will always love him more than he will ever know.

I am not angry with the birth mom at all...in fact I completely understand.  I don't think we were played, or tricked, or lied to.  I honestly feel that until she had him she was going to place him for adoption with our family.  I can't blame her for changing her mind.  I don't want to let go of him either!

Each day has gotten a little easier but there are still moments.  It isn't always easy to hold it together and that is ok right now.  We have been blessed with so much support and I am so thankful for that.  Today was the first day we haven't had one of our moms here to help and we made it through...the house is a wreck and we ordered in dinner but we made it through.  We will continue to put one foot in front of the other and heal but never forget.

I love you Brady James.

mardi gras

Mardi Gras, in case you somehow weren't aware, is a pretty big deal here in Louisiana.  We have parades almost every weekend for four weeks and people come from across the nation to see them.  We had our own visitors for the festivities this year...Gaga and Grandpa!

This year we went to the Krewe of Gemini parade on Valentine's Day!  It was so much fun to see how excited the kids were about the parade and all the festivities.  They remembered the fun from the year before and were so excited to be able to watch the parade again.

We set up a spot along the parade route with our neighbors and work friends.  Then we hung out and tailgated all afternoon until the parade came by!

We were further down the route this year which meant we got to see the parade at night.  The kids loved waving at the people on the floats, dancing to all the music, and catching beads!  While we had a blast, the kids were SO tired by the time it finished!

If you want to see the parades next year come visit!!!
.katherine.

making valentines

A holiday in our house is really just an excuse to make more projects and the kids had a blast making their valentines.  While they usually have some direction for projects, this year I just gave them a big pile of supplies and let them choose how to do their hearts.  They had paper hearts, heart doilies, stickers, foam heart stickers, twine, crayons, and glue sticks!

They had so much fun deciding what would go on each heart and how to decorate them.  While they worked on the hearts we talked about who we would send them to and what valentines were for...they were adorable telling me who we needed to send the valentines to!

They had so much fun and I think the hearts turned out wonderful!

.katherine.

georgia weekend

We never do things last minute....and especially not trips!!!  Except we did...we decided on Thursday that for Martin Luther King Jr. weekend we would to Georgia to see my grandparents, parents, and some extended family!  It was WONDERFUL!  

We were spoiled by getting to spend time with so many family members!  We spent time playing outside, went to a flee market, playing music, doing puzzles, and watching the play-off games.

We were thrown a baby shower by my Dad's sisters!  They gave us so many great things for the baby, Bryce, and Zoey!

It was a great relaxing trip and we enjoyed getting to spend the weekend with such special people and great to get away for a few days!
.katherine.